so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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