So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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