Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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