Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
