Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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