recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
