I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
