do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
