and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
