I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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