the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
