it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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