Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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