i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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