Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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