I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I want a musical about memes.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
