there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
