I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
