I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
