you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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