Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
