An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
