his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
