In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
