Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Too much gin, very little bucket
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
