he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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