On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
