I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
