he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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