I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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