I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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