it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
