Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
