dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
