Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
