why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
