Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
