Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
