A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
