i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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