Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Be still, my beating vagina.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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