Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
