we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
