You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
