I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
