this boner is exhausting
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
