I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
