I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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