someone get that fucking seahorse.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
