time to smoke my breakfast
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
