I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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